Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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