happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
