He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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