I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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