My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
