nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
