so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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