I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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