you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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