he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
