I cannot find my penis.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
