If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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