Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
