Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
