And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
