For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
please don't ironically join a cult
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