Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My liver is preforming stress tests.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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