You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
