Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
