I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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