OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
