Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
