He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
