they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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