Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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