so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
