I murdered the dance floor call the cops
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How's work?
Spinning.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
