if i can run in heels then i can drive
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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