i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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