just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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