as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Is Oprah even human
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
