Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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