WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
