He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
