feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
