If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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