I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
