I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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