I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
