In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
