I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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