So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
