Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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