I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
