I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
