hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
