i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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