thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize