i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
