i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
