i love accidental penises.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
