if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
