OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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