Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
