found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
PANTIES FOUND
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