I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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