I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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