You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear god my vagina.
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