We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
