next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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