It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
