I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
