Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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