Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
