Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize