You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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